
Sailor Moon: Secondary Characters: Happy Days
{Jon Carp}
address: jcarp@med.unc.edu

Enjoy the ride.--Nissan

Drivers wanted.--Volkswagen

        Man #1 sat and gazed at Setsuna across the dinner table.  She smiled
demurely and sipped her wine.
        "Setsuna," he said softly.  "I've been meaning to say this to you
for a while.  I...realize we've only been going out for a couple of weeks,
but this feels different than any other relationship I've ever had.  I
feel...exhilerated when I'm around you.  I can't explain it.  I'm not sure,
but...I think I love you."
        She inhaled deeply and then let it out slowly.  Her smile got wider.
"Let me tell you a story," she said.
        Man #1 looked suprised.  That wasn't the reaction he'd expected, but
as long as she was talking to him, she could be reading the phone book and
have his rapt attention.  "Sure," he said.
        "This is the afternoon of my fifteenth birthday," she said.  "I was
going thorugh this phase where I liked all those old spaghetti westerns,
y'know?  So my parents bought me this BB gun.  Oh, I loved it.  I rolled it
in my hands and felt its power.  It made me strong.  I dunno, I can't really
explain the way it made me feel that day.  Anyway, I took it outside to the
forest.  After a while, I saw a chipmunk rummaging on the ground several
meters away.  I bent down...aimed...and fired!
        "The squirrel scampered away frightened.  I was disappointed, but
then a white dove fell from the sky.  Evidently I was a very poor shot.  I
took it home and had it stuffed.  I have it to this day."  She walked out of
the room and returned with a small white thing in her hand.
        Man #1 examined it.  "That's a couple of socks bundled together," he
said, giving her a very strange look.
        Setsuna paused, then chuckled.  "Well, of course.  It would be
creepy keeping a dead bird for years, wouldn't it?  Anyway, when that dove
fell, I realized something.  Everything that happens is an accident.  I
didn't try to kill it, but it's dead anyway.  If I hadn't liked the
westerns, I wouldn't have gotten the gun, or if I had gone somewhere else in
the woods, I would never have seen the chipmunk.  Everything's just a
coincidence.  There's no mystical destiny or fate we're all trapped in.  Do
you understand?"
        He nodded unsurely.  "I guess so.  But why are you telling me this?"
        She forced herself to not smile.  "We...you and me...were an
accident.  But not a good one.  I don't think this is going to help either
of us.  We need to end it."
        He stared at her in horror.  "But..." he said.  "But..."
        "Oh sure, the sex was good, and I suppose we have kind of the same
interests, but we never really connected.  I'm sorry, but I think you should
leave."
        Sensitive man that he was, he started to cry.  "But..." he muttered.
"But...I love you."
        She grinned.  "Well, the feeling is not mutual."  She opened the
door for him.  "Goodbye."
        He stared at her for a second, then grabbed his coat and ran at full
speed outside.  She slammed the door behind him, and began laughing
hysterically.

        Rei didn't go inside the house.  She sat on the sidewalk, just
looking up at her window.
        Luna walked up to her.  "Rei," she said slowly.  "This is getting
kind of creepy."
        "I know," Rei muttered.  "I'm sorry."

        Man #2 walked arm in arm with Setsuna, watching the moon reflected
in the lake.  Perfect Romantic Atmosphere.
        "I want to say something to you," he murmured.  "I know we've only
been going out a couple of weeks, but..."
        "Wait," she cut him off.  "Before you go any further, let me tell
you a story."
        He blinked in suprise.
        "I was twenty," she began, not waiting for a response from him.
"There was a physics professor who was kind of my mentor.  He wanted me to
follow in his footsteps, become an actual scientist, and I was very
interested in the field back then, so my performance in his class was
important to both of us.  Anyway, I got mono.  And because of that, I fell
behind the rest of the class.  The night before the exam, I knew I should
have been studying, but instead I went out to a bar for some reason.
        "So I'm sitting there drinking my beer, and this guy walks up and
just starts screaming at me in German!  And so I stand up, and I'm like,
'What the hell are you doing?'  And I know I'm going to fail that test the
next day, so I'm in no mood for this, and I make it clear through my body
language that I just want to fight this guy.  But he just keeps yelling all
this German.  So I'm getting really mad, but another guy comes up, and he
apologizes with an impressively light German accent.  'Sorry about my
friend,' he said.  'He's not mad at you, he's just got Turrett's syndrome.
He can't help it.'  I notice this guy's attractive, so I calm down and say
I'm sorry.
        "The next thing I know, I'm fucking this German businessman who's
only in town for the week.  Then I go off and flunk my test.  The professor
was extremely disappointed in me, and that was hard to take.
        "But, see, the crazy thing is, everything worked out.  I realized
that physics wasn't my thing.  That might not have happened for years if I
had studied all night and done well.  And the German guy and I fell in love.
He moved here, and we lived together.  I mean, he died tragically six months
later, but we would never even have met if not for my slacking off."
        "How did he die?" Man #2 asked quietly.
        "Oh, he stood on an escalator too long.  Got sucked under.  Very
sad.  Very bloody.  Anyway, here's my point.  He was supposed to be
preparing for some presentaion the exact same night in the bar.  Both of us
were supposed to be working.  But we weren't, and we both benefitted.  So
make sure you learn this lesson: Never let anyone manipulate you into
thinking that there's something you HAVE to do.  There is no 'should'."
        Man #2 looked at her, kind of scared.  "Why are you telling me
this?" he asked suspiciously.
        "Well...when you were talking a while ago, I realized that you were
trying to do that exact thing to me.  You were about to go into some big
spiel about how this is different from any other relationship you've ever
had, right?"
        Man #2 nodded and looked at her nervously.
        "I couldn't let you say that," she said.  "Because then I would feel
all guilty about dumping you.  And that'd just end up being bad for both of
us."
        This time she couldn't wait.  She burst into laughter at his
ridiculously horrified expression.



        Man #3 put his arm around Setsuna as the two of them watched the
sunset together.  "Setsuna," he said softly.  "I..."
        "Hold on."  She cut him off.  "Let me tell you a story."  She didn't
wait for him to answer.  "When I was a kid, I had this crazy grandfather.
Every month or so, my mom would take me down to see him, because she knew he
wasn't going to last much longer.
        "So anyway, we went down to his house one time, and I remember
whenever we saw him he was always going on about how much he loved pickles.
On and on about pickles!  So anyway, we get there, and walk in, and we find
him lying in the kitchen with these two jars stuck on his hands, covered in
pickle juice, continually banging the back of his head against the floor,
and he's screaming, 'HELP!!  HELP!!  PIRAHNAS ARE EATING MY HANDS!!  HELP!!'
        "And my mom goes over and tries to take the jars off, but he jumps
away and starts kicking her!  'They're mine!' he snaps.  'You can't have
them!'
        "So he's rolling around on the floor like a maniac, my mom is
crying, I'm laughing, and nobody knows what to do.  Eventually he stands up
and tries to go out the back door.  He walks over and just starts hitting
the doorknob over and over, trying to turn it so he can get through.  My
mom opens the door for him, he runs out, his pants fall down, he starts
moaning and chanting like he's doing a rain dance or something.  We decide
to leave.
        "Now, I know what you're thinking, you don't know why I told you
this.  Well, there's an important lesson to be learned here.  See, because,
even though he was a loon, he was the happiest man I've ever met.  He lived
in a world where things try to eat his hands and he can't get out the door,
yet something inside him kept him smiling and singing right up to the end.
Just goes to show, that it doesn't matter what's happening, it doesn't
matter how much your life sucks, or how old you are, or what a terrible
life you've had, if you decide to have a good time, you can."  She looked
over at him seriously.  "And...you're holding me back."
        "What?"
        She smiled.  "It's over."



        Makoto shoved her face in her magazine and did her best to look
inconspicuous.  Difficult, as there were only two people in the room.
        The man went up to the desk, looked around for a minute, and then
returned to his chair.  He tapped his foot nervously.
        "Excuse me," he said.  "Um...excuse me!"
        Makoto looked up sheepishly.  "Are you talking to me?"
        "Yes."  He pointed to the empty desk.  "Where's the secretary?  I
called yesterday, and she said to come in today to have some kind of
pre-session session."
        "The doc does that to all his new patients," Makoto said quietly.
"Discussing fees, going over main problems, stuff like that.  The
secretary's on her lunch break, I think.  And you're not going to be able
to have your session now.  My appointment is next.  And I've got somewhere
to be directly afterwards."
        "Oh, oh, of course," he said.  "I wouldn't want to inconvenience
you.  I'll just wait to when he gets out and ask him when I should come
back."
        Makoto grunted and closely reread the article in front of her.
        "I'm not crazy," the man said.  "He doesn't...just treat crazy
people, does he?  Because I'm not crazy.  I just need to talk about a few
things."
        Makoto glared up at him.  "Do I look crazy?" she asked.
        "Oh no!  No no no no.  I didn't mean to insinuate that."  He took a
deep breath and sat down.  "I'm sorry.  It's just very intimidating to come
in to see a shrink for the first time."
        Makoto nodded and softened a little.  "I know what it feels like,"
she said.  "You just have to keep telling youself that you're doing this to
help you, and no one made you come."
        He nodded, tears in his eyes.  "I'm sorry," he stuttered.
"Just...looking at you, I got a flash of this woman I went out with a while
ago.  I...I fell in love with her.  She didn't look anything like you, I
mean I'm not a stalker or anything, there's just something that reminds me
of her.  I probably see it in every woman."
        She softened a little more.  "What happened to her?"
        "She...she said we didn't 'connect'.  I'm sorry, I don't know why
I'm telling you all this.  I guess I was just preparing to say it to the
doctor, and you're just here, and...I'm sorry."
        "It's okay.  I understand.  The same kind of thing happened to me a
couple of years ago."
        He looked at her, drying his eyes.  "Is that why you're here?
        "No, I got over it.  You will, too.  Trust me."  She smiled at him.
        He smiled back.  "Thanks," he said, and meant it.
        "Any time."

        Rei stood up and wandered over to her bed.  Meditation was useless.
Her nerves were stretched far too tight.
        She hated being scared of things.  She'd stared down monsters with
cynicism, faced death with ease, and fought emotional battles with a smirk
on her face.
        So why was this so hard?
        Stupid question.
        She picked up the telephone receiver and replaced it in one swift
motion.  Didn't even reach out for the buttons that time.  This was getting
worse.
        She tried to think of some similar situation.  Hmmm...what about
Mamoru and Usagi?  They truly loved each other.
        There must have been some instant, some moment, when the two met
somewhere and one said to the other, "I love you," for the very first time.
        How many hours of agonizing and painful deliberation led up to that?
"What if s/he doesn't love me back?  What if I make a fool out of myself?
What if s/he hates me forever?  What if I screw it up?"  Etc.
        Okay, Rei told herself, that was LOVE.  TRUE, PURE LOVE.  And still,
one was able to look the other straight in the eye and get the words out.
The result: Two lifetimes together, so far.
        And here she was, sitting in her room, desperately trying to say
something not even close to that.  There shouldn't be any pressure here.
        Rei put her head in her hands.  Her mind kept screaming at her,
she's just a person, for godsake!  She's nothing but a some girl who's not
even very smart, or...

        No.  She's not a person.  She's my LIFE.  And she doesn't even know.

        Rei picked up the reciever and threw it across the room.

        Man #4 gazed at her lovingly.  He opened his mouth to speak, but she
cut him off.
        "Let me tell you a story," she said.  "I have a friend, who...I'm
not shitting you here...is a princess.  Tiny little country called the
Kingdom of Mune.  Second smallest in Europe after Vatican City.  You
wouldn't have heard of it unless you were a geography major.  Anyway, she's
a good person, but a moron, y'know?  But, she's royalty, so everyone's
always paying attention to her and keeping her safe.  She's got her own
secret service, for chrissake.  As if anyone would try to kill her.
        "Well, somebody did.  She was making a public appearance at some
casino opening, and this psycho jumps up and just starts shooting a gun at
her.  One of her guards just threw herself in front of the princess.  Got
hit in the stomach twice and the right arm once.  She knew she wasn't going
to survive.  But as she died, she was smiling, because she did what she'd
been taught...no.  That's not the right word.  She did what she'd been
brainwashed into thinking was right.  She truly believed that it was better
for her to die than this stupid little princess.  And so did everyone else.
And so she just died right there, and everybody proclaimed her a hero.
Saddest thing you ever heard, isn't it?"
        Man #4 couldn't think of anything to say.  "Um..." he managed.
"Uh...why did you tell me that?"
        "This relationship isn't going to work out."

REI:  Shut up.
USAGI:  No, you shut up.
REI:  No, you shut up!
USAGI:  No, you shut up!

        It was probably their least imaginative argument to date.

REI:  No, you shut up!
USAGI:  No, you shut up!
REI:  No, you shut up!

        Both of them knew how ridiculous they were being.  The only reason
they continued participating in the dispute was because that was the sole
way to keep the other from winning.

USAGI:  No, you shut up!
REI:  No, you shut up!
USAGI:  No, you shut up!
REI:  No, you shut up!

        Then something strange happened.

USAGI:  No, you shut up!
REI:  You...mean more to me than anything else in the world.
USAGI:  I know.
(pause)
REI:  Oh, shut up.
USAGI:  No, you shut up!
REI:  No, you shut up!
USAGI:  No, you shut up!

        They were not shutting up only on principle now.  Both were
perfectly willing.



        Man #5 looked up in suprise.  "Setsuna!  What are you doing here?
Is something wrong?"
        Setsuna didn't say a word.  She went up to him, grabbed his head,
and kissed him on the lips.  For a split second they stayed that way.
        Then he broke away looked at her in horror.  "What are you...Setsuna
what...are you doing?"
        She grinned.  "Let me tell you a story," she said.  "And unlike most
of my stories, which I just tell to fuck with people's minds, this one is
completely true.  It's about a boy and a girl.  The girl...let's call her
Sailor Pluto...was beautiful and smart and good.  The boy...say,
Endymion...was sort of handsome, I suppose, but cruel and bitter, although
he hid those particular traits well.  They had a romance.  Fell in love,
actually.  And for a while they were happy together.
        "But then somebody else entered the picture.  A girl.  For the sake
of political power, she and Endymion were said to be 'destined for each
other'.
        "Now, Endymion was beginning to tire of Sailor Pluto.  I don't
really know why, he was just that kind of person.  So he sat her down, and
began telling her all sorts of things.  He said that although he loved her,
this new girl and he had something special.  Fate had decreed that they'd
be together.  And, naive fool that she was, she believed him.
        "But see, that wasn't all.  Once he'd tricked her into giving him
up, he kept going on about this destiny.  He told Pluto that it was her
duty, as Guardian of Time, to make sure things followed a certain timeline,
which, by a bizarre coincidence, was exactly the one where he'd be happiest.
        "So she went off and did exactly what he said.  She continually
fulfils her 'duty' up to the present, and then later to the future, where
he'll be king, and she'll stay Sailor Pluto.  One day he'll get tired of
his queen, and she'll get tired of being alone, and they'll meet in secret
and fuck twice.  She will be so stricken with guilt she will commit suicide.
He will feel bad for a week, and go back to his life.  Not a very happy
ending, is it?"
        He couldn't get any words out.
        "Fortunately, that's not the way it's going to be," she continued.
"Because not long ago Sailor Pluto realized the deception, and refused to
continue aiding Endymion and his princess.  As a result, she will have a
much happier future.  Endymion, on the other hand, is back to randomness.
Oh sure, the rest of the senshi will keep doing their best, but let's be
honest.  Without Pluto monitoring time, anything can happen."  She chuckled.
        Man #5 licked his lips.  "I...I'm sorry, Setsuna," he murmured.  "I
didn't know...I..."
        "Don't take it personally," she remarked, walking out the door.
"Just because you deserve it."

        Usagi walked out of the ice cream shop, licking her fingers
contentedly.  She started heading home.  After about five meters she was
grabbed from behind and dragged into an alley.
        An arm locked across her chest and another grabbed her head.  "Don't
move," a voice whispered.  "Or I will snap your neck like a twig."  The
person gave off a laugh that seemed to be attempting evilness, but failed
miserably and ended up sounding silly.  "Hmmm," the person muttered.  "I'll
have to work on that."
        "Wh...who are you?" Usagi stammered.
        "SHUT UP!  I have something to say, and you're going to listen.
I've been around a long time now.  I've learned a lot of things.  Forgotten
a lot of things, too, but one thing that will stay in my mind forever was
my time in the Moon Kingdom.
        "Your mother loved me as a true friend.  And I was extremely
trusted.  In fact, it was decreed that if the princess were to (tragically)
die before producing an heir, I was next in line.
        "People are dying permenantly now, my dear friend.  The Power of
Bullshit Love can't work forever.  And won't everybody be sad once you're
gone?"
        Usagi was released, and looked around in confusion, but there was no
one there.

